I’ve been laying low for the past week so I didn’t have to admit that I lost my innocence. I know you’ll all be shocked. And, on top of that, I’m still buying plants.
But how can I not? Boxhill Farms has irises on sale 20% off, and most of them are in bloom so I don’t have to divine what they look like from a sepia-faded plant tag or bad Internet photos ranging from chartreuse to fuchsia. It’s important to see them in living color, so to speak, because I’m being a bit more discriminating now about what I buy. Okay, I’m actually just running out of space.
So Saturday, I unloaded the back of the car after my “discriminating” (i.e. limited) shopping extravaganza and placed the plants where I planned to plant them—ah, yes, I actually think about that now before I buy. You know, at this rate, I just might become a gardener after all.
But what did I not find after I unloaded? The innocence iris that I simply had to have because it may very well be the most beautiful iris that I have ever seen in my life … until that other one I bought blooms.
“Hmm,” I thought. “I’m pretty sure I bought some innocence. I wonder where it is?” So I wandered over to see if I accidently put my innocence in the holding bed out of habit. But it was not to be found.
“Hmm,” I thought. “Maybe I was so discriminating that I decided not to buy any innocence. Maybe I’m becoming pennywise.” Then I saw the new pot of ajuga that I probably didn’t need, so I had to rule out pennywise.
“Hmm,” I thought. “I’m quickly narrowing the options to Alzheimer’s here.” The women in my family have a long, if not proud, heritage of forgetting that the corn is in the microwave until after supper, when they’re putting in a cup of tea. Sometimes this also occurs with green beans. So I looked for my innocence in the microwave, but I found only splatter.
As the weekend passed, I got more and more disgusted with myself for losing my innocence. I know when I’ve found a good plant, and I know what not to let go. And at some point, I’d spent more time worrying about losing my innocence than it was worth.
When I got into the car Monday morning, there was my long-lost innocence on the passenger side. “Hmm,” I thought. “I’m pretty sure I lost that in the back seat.”
Simply hilarious.
Jen
The gardening Erma Bombeck! I absolutely LOVE your blog – you keep me laughing (and thinking!)…makes me feel ever so much better!!
This morning I was fixing ambrosia for my hummingbirds when my email beckoned. You guessed it ~ forgot the ambrosia till I smelled something odd & acrid which made me realize I’d forgotten the brew on the stove. What to my wondering eyes should appear but a billowing black blob of ash resembling the creature from the black lagoon rising out of my saucepan (which will never be usable again)! Guess we all experience CRS at one time or another…
Comparing me to Erma is high praise, indeed. Thank you. So glad you got a good laugh and a good think.
very funny! I enjoyed reading your post and look forward to reading a whole lot more!
You’re so funny, that I’m almost tempted to write LOL or even ROTFL. But I wouldn’t stoop so LOLow, so I’ll simply say: you made me laugh out loud!
Wow,your new post was worth the wait! Had a really good laugh. However, have you considered that rather than ditsy, the women in your family are just well organized? Those veggies were just ready ahead of time for the next meal! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Good job! Wrong. Great job! The only minus of the title is that it attracts not only your fellow gardeners but also a different type of crowd (it happened with my post “I lived with a stranger for four years”). Have a great innocent day!
At this point, I’ll take all the readers I can get. Can you imagine how much porn spam I’ve deleted from my “Vulgar forsythia” post? LOL
You are a hoot my dear ! And I was to afraid to say that Uncle enjoyed the blow job with the leaf blower when ridding him of the fluff ! Keep up the good work and never, never , ever lose your sense of humor.
Good one, Aunt Shirley.