The Sorry Gardener

I must be the only gardener in the world with garlic smaller than the cloves I planted last fall. Here’s how to grow some of this fine delicacy yourself.

1. Plant your garlic a little later than you should, say maybe around December.
2. For lack of a better spot, plant it in that empty bed under the pine tree.
3. In March, regret planting your garlic under a pine tree and—although the garden literature is split 50/50 on whether it’s wise to move it—decide that you’re willing to risk it since yours is planted under a pine tree.
4. Dig up ALL of your garlic instead of leaving half of it to hedge your bets.
5. Carefully place your garlic in a plastic nursery pot and cover the delicate roots with a scoop of dirt so they don’t dry out while you get distracted by some other project for the entire month of April.
6. Transplant your garlic to your new raised beds, and cut off the healthy green foliage so it doesn’t flop over and make your rows untidy.
7. Be sure to companion plant your garlic beside your gargantuan broccoli to properly shade it from the sun.
8. Wait all summer for your garlic to grow.
9. Conclude at the end of August that you truly are a sorry gardener.
10. Dig up your garlic and start over, skipping all of the steps above.